i want to take some time to be transparent about my daily quiet time. my mornings with God have been enjoyable. i've enjoyed convincing myself that i like oatmeal, drinking coffee, and listening to John Piper and Paul Tripp sermons. before this good phase of quiet mornings, i was in a little bit of a spiritual rut. i was simply bored and unfocused. i decided that the one thing i needed more than anything was the gospel. i needed to remember my salvation every day and i needed to embrace it. i needed to stop living as a functional atheist and start walking in the reality of the resurrection. i made it a goal to focus every single morning on the gospel of Jesus Christ. so every day, i listen to a sermon specifically about our salvation through Christ's death and resurrection. and i focus on the themes of sin, faith, and eternal life.
because of this, i've fallen in love with the gospel. its so beautiful. God's election and adoption of me continuously blows my mind. Jesus's righteousness that covers my sin astounds me. my future eternity in heaven and on the new earth is almost incomprehensible. i want to be honest, however, and say that there's a part of me that doesn't believe that this is all real. and I'm not sure why. I've dealt with a good deal of doubt in my high school years and I'm very disappointed that its back. oh, how i long to just embrace the gospel with all that I am and dive in with no hesitation. but its one of those things where I'm like,"...3 2 1 believe! go!" and nothing happens. it might have something to do with quarantine, it might be my sin nature, but my fear has always been that it's because I'm secretly not saved! that's a little silly though. an unsaved person would not fall in love with the gospel like I have. and i have years of evidence of my salvation. but just bein' honest. i'm reverting back to 16 year old maddie.
I was praying about this today and I'm wondering if the reason why I'm stuck is because I'm trying to free myself on my own strength. i know for a fact that this is a pattern in my life. a teacher once prayed over me, saying that I try so hard to get my heart in the right place but that I keep getting stuck. I do it all in my own strength and continuously fail. and although that probably relates to every christian out there and his prophetic skills could easily be a hoax, i will say that he really impacted me. it was exactly how i was feeling in that season without ever saying it out loud or even recognizing it in my own heart. with that being said, trying to get my heart right on my own strength is a pattern for me and many others. and only today, did I realize that my extravagant plan to listen to gospel sermons every day was not enough to stir in me the faith I need for daily life.
so I turned to God...the author and finisher of my faith. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for heart change. and now I'm waiting on him.
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